Why can't people just tell me when their mad instead of complaining to others. I can't hlp it if I don't understand and a friend is not a friend if you

can't tell them what your feeling. A friend who talks behind your back and makes other people think the way they do isn't A friend really I guess.

But you know what I'm just gonna cry about it now and get it over with. I doesn't matter. I'm not important anyway. And the worst thing about it. I s

that the only person who will really listen to me has to be paid to.

I know its a critical way of thinking but I'm depressed... Like I said it doesn't matter. If you have nothing constructive to say about it don't. I could

less about statistics and how teens these days are just in it for attention. I don't want to hear that I shouldn't complain and that it could be worse

I've already heard that from enough people who don't care. I've already tired it with people I do care about, I've already given up on it. Taking my

life in the physical sense doesn't sit well with me but I can take myself away from my life as it is now and not worry about it later. If it's on thing I

understand its emotions. I am a paranoid person mind you but I am neither naive nor ignorant. In my life many things have gone wrong and

there isn't much I can do about it but I will complain how I see fit. I have to write it down because telling someone won't work and people have already given up on me.

What do you want that you can't help me figure things out. I am a selfish person in this. I am always wrong for some reason. I HAVE to always be wrong so people can make me feel bad. I have to care for it to feel bad.

I guess I can give not caring a try but that would be giving up. Its not some thing I'm used to; giving up on my friends. I know my faults and I know when I'm wrong but I can't tell anyone I can not tell people whats wrong because as I love my family and as much as I love the people in my life, I get pushed aside. Then when something goes wrong, I am supposed to tell them, help them.

I am an emotional person. I have a heart that beats in my chest that makes me think that if maybe for one second I can grab someones attention I could just spill out my life for people to see.

In my time I was a good person. It maybe weird for me to say this, with me being only 19 and just starting on my own but something in me has broken. Somewhere some how I have lost something important.

That is alright as long as I can get rid of it. To care what people say I have to care for who they are and if I can just give that up I can be free. A heart that has been broken many times loses its pieces in a way that can not be fixed.

Why do I have to be the one to control myself, Why do i have to be the one to understand? Why can't I just cry about it and get over it? Yell or scream and get over it? Why is society all about control..?

If I say that I don't want to continue to live then
I'm suicidal and depressed,
if I tell someone,
I want help,
if I mope and whine
I'm being ungrateful,
if I want it to end I'm weak.
If I want to see it my way
It's wrong,
when I want to feel it strongly
I'm at fault.

I have been punished to keep others a float.
when really there is room for us both.

If I complain about my life
I'm wrong.
To keep quiet and listen
I'm strong.

I disagree with my life and it's way.
If I think that your logic is wrong.
There isn't really much I can say.

if I try to talk about it
I'm lame,
if I try to keep it sane,
I'm strange.
In a verse so unlong,
to feel not belonged,
has come to me painful and strong.
If it doesn't make sense I'm insane.

If I try to play games,
I am young.
If I look at you staring, no longer caring then
loony am I , am I.

The longer I write
I feel,
I wish that it hadn’t been real.
That a life lived over,
a life I want over…
Oh lord is it over?
Why can’t I feel just to feel.

What I feel is my heart but where do I start?
Do I really need to know?

If I lose my connection,
Find an infection,
What cure can I take?
What rules can I break?
If the this hurts more then healing can fake.

My faults are my own.
Why should I explain?
If you don’t get it, don’t get involved.
Don’t call me a name.
I know I’m insane

If you must speak then listen.
I have to tell you this now.

For a life in emotion
For a world I have broken
For friends I have spoken
For a heart I lay open.

I’m broken…I’m broken.

its only been maybe one day but there is nothing new to report. So i have come up with an idea, I am going to write as if I am not myself. Everyday will be a new person. They will introduce themselves, say hi, then begin to tell a story about something in their lives. It will be completely fiction and will be based on my moods and emotions at the time I write them.

It's more of just a writing exercise then anything else and I would just like to put a disclaimer before I start because it could get very violent and I don't want to alarm anyone.

[b][i]Disclaimer:[/i][/b] From this point on, until stated otherwise is a work of fiction. Any similarity to any real life situations, people, places and things are coincidental. Any characters that appear are all products of my imagination. Please don't steal.

[i][b]Warning(s):[/i][/b] Due to some violent mood swings if you are squeamish, easily scared or scarred I would suggest reading the warnings at the beginnings of each entry.

I won't be doing it today but I will start tomorrow so look out!

Also, I'm fine by the way.

ja ne minna,

Dezzy

MCC had a fire drill just like five minutes ago and it was boring. All we did was pack up our stuff and walk out to sit on the concrete and eat nachos! Whoot! What a riot. Everyone looked bored and inattentive, people were going to their cars and leaving. I don't really blame them because MCC sucks! But I'm here because it's the only place I applied too. Lazy I know.

That was all. It was just a surprise..

ja ne minna,
Dezzy

Some old ladies on the bus were complaining about older trick o' treater's. I AM NOT OLD! Crotchety old ladies! They were complaining about kids at 15...I'm 18! I feel so unloved! :C What a sad day!

Oh by the way I had fun trick or treating this year!...But my feet hurt! Hurt like a bitch! The shoes I was wearing for my mafia costume (it was going to be Reborn but I couldn't find a green lizard to save my life and my pacifier broke a while ago but I digress)I tend not to wear too often because they are dress up shoes completely ravaged the backs of my feet and heels. I have aide bandages on them now but they still hurt a lot. When I say a lot I am not exaggerating, they HURT! But the haul was successful. Some lady was handing out poptarts and another gave us crayons! WHOO! By the end of the night I had an army of M&M's, a shit load of snickers and a whole lot of Now and Later's! I was so happy! A fire truck came around the neighborhood I was trick or treating in and gave out giant snickers bars! WHAT A BLAST!

Anyway I forgot to turn the clocks back so this morning I woke up because my phone is my alarm, and looked at the non digital clock on my wall and freaked the fuck out! The clock on the wall said 6:30 and I have to be to the bus stop, too far away for my tastes, at 6:50! So I was running around my room getting ready, throwing things in bags to take to school and generally just making a mess...Then I looked at my computer clock...5:30...SHUT THE FUCK UP! I just plopped down in front of my computer and watched Red Vs. Blue.

So I am so tired! Feed me Seymour!

ja ne minna!

Dezzy

It is today and the ghost, ghouls, Jason, Freddy and pirates are having fun sitting in the Terrace, putting on makeup and corsets to their hearts (or non hearts) content. I myself have gone into the fray with a fedora, red lips and cherry red four inch heels. I am a Mafia Dona today! I am so excited but these heels are killing me. My toes are numb and my nails aren't painted. I got up late and couldn't prepare like I had planned but tomorrow is All Hallows Eve and I'll be in my complete outfit for trick-o-treating!

This is definitely going to be an eventful day! There aren't too many but I saw a Akito/Agito costume just a few minute ago so I'm happy! I got to hug her. Later another person is coming in a Alucard! SQUEAL!!! I can hardly wait! I want to see her! She better not be sick! We're supposed to have fight that I'm gonna lose...Also she is doing a skit with Aizen Sousuke! HELLZ YEAH! Aizen's being a douche though because he won't stay in character. XP

For the love of god what they hell is happening?! I JUST SAW A BUNNY!!!!!!!! YAY! I want to hug the bunny! But he is gone now !!!!sad face!!!! oh well!

Really though there aren't to many people dressed up today and I'm sad! I wanted to see Danielle in her Little Red Riding Hood Costume!

What a day it will be. I'm gonna go now because I want to play Pokemon!

ja ne minna!

Dezzy